Now that we’ve had some time to get to know the Married at First Sight couples, you’ve no doubt formed your opinion on who your favourites are and what the future holds for their relationships.
While the MAFS experts told The Latch that there are definitely real love stories this season, it’s probably a safe bet to assume which couples won’t make the cut.
Now, I’m no expert myself, but I love a good wager, so here is my totally unprofessional, purely hypothetical, intended for a laugh analysis of the MAFS marriages and predictions of where they’ll end up.
Jo and James
You’ve got to give Jo credit for her reaction to seeing James’s Rolex watch on the day of their wedding. While some people’s eyes would have turned into dollar signs like something out of a Looney Tunes cartoon, Barber Jo promptly had a little internal struggle in which she questioned if her K-mart leanings would be at odds with a man who rolls with the Rollies.
These two have three kids each and although it would be fun to watch them get their own blended family spin off series and become the country’s new Kardashians, my prediction is that James, being the successful car salesman that he is, will trade Jo in for a newer model.
Will it last: No.
Cameron and Samantha
Cameron and Samantha are like those mates you have that always get into a fight when they’re out with you before going home early and leaving you all to wonder why they’re even still together.
Aside from having wildly differing opinions on what constitutes a one-night-stand, these two are like socks with thongs — they don’t go together and just make everyone uncomfortable.
Will it last: Absolutely not.
Booka and Brett
Booka and Brett are so painfully cool they could pass as a pair of film students who met at a microbrewery in Newtown and instantly bonded over a rare vinyl you’ve never heard of.
These two share a love of psychology, altruism and participating in really weird experiments where you write wedding vows for a person you’ve never met and if they don’t last then love is dead.
Will it last: Yes.
Beth and Russell
Look, as individuals, Beth and Russell are obviously wonderful people with big hearts. However, as a couple, it’s like being the only audience member at your second cousin’s one-man show: awkward, full of cheesy one-liners and really tough to support.
Rusty seems like a genuine enough fellow but he doesn’t know what salmon is, says things like “awesome” at inopportune times and is basically just a big old goofy man child. Granted, Beth did tell the experts that she was keen to be a mum, she just didn’t mean to her husband.
Will it last: No.
Coco and Sam
I’m just going to say it: Coco is a riot. The pilates instructor is loud and funny and loves dead rappers (is there any other kind?) and so far, she has handled Sam’s disapproval like an absolute champion. She has also so far refrained from saying anything about the fact that Sam has frosted tips like some sort of generic NSYNC tribute band singer. So, you know, bonus points for that.
Unfortunately, Sam and Coco are just like that designer handbag you buy because it’s 80% off — no matter how many outfits you try it with, it just doesn’t work.
Will it last: Not a chance.
Melissa and Bryce
Melissa reminds me of a teenager in a slasher flick — instead of running as far as she possibly can from the knife-wielding maniac, she simply hides behind a dusty old barrel and hopes the killer won’t think to look there.
That is genuinely how I feel every time I watch lovely, gentle Mel try to appease Bryce who just keeps plunging the knife into her heart again and again.
Here’s hoping that Melissa discovers her self-worth and meets a wonderful man, while Bryce is left to wander around his studio apartment above a freeway lip-syncing Adele’s Someone Like You as he ghosts follow Mel on Instagram.
Will it last: Lord, I hope not.
Patrick and Belinda
These two crazy kids are just too pure for this world. Both inexperienced when it comes to relationships, Belinda and Patrick are like a couple of baby deers learning to walk in a pair of stilettos. Well, technically, a deer would need two pairs of heels because they have four legs but you get where I’m going.
It would be a beautiful love story if it worked out between these kind-hearted souls, but these two are like Midori and lemonade – sweet, good in small doses and just a bit too green.
Will it last: No.
Alana and Jason
Alana and Jason so far have good physical chemistry, but Alana isn’t sure that Jason is up for more intellectual conversations. Granted, we haven’t exactly seen the teacher try to engage the self-confessed party boy in a rousing debate about the themes of existentialism in 17th-century Russian literature (or something) — but if the lady wants a brainy dude, she should have one.
Here’s hoping Jase is some sort of undercover Stephen Hawking so these sexually compatible lovebirds can take it to the next level.
Will it last: Probably not.
Jake and Rebecca
Imagine one of those really beautiful, very expensive and extremely fragile ice sculptures that some rich people have at their weddings. Now imagine trying to date one. It’s really cold, quite slippery and you’re not going to get a lot out of it other than pneumonia.
That’s what I suspect our mate Jake has been experiencing as he tries to make his marriage to Beck work. Unfortunately for Jake, unlike ice sculptures that eventually respond to warmth and start melt, Beck has so far remained as cool as the lyrics to a 1977 Foreigner track. (Google it.)
Will it last: No.
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