Joel Burrows is a poet who has been published by Cordite, Going Down Swinging, and Stilts Poetry, amongst others. He’s also a huge fan of The Block. In this series, Block-etry, Joel recaps each episode of The Block’s 2023 season. Please enjoy his breakdown of The Block’s eighth week, aka, the Leah and Ash Drama Spectacular™.
The Block — Episode 30
Part One
There is a house
With ivied walls and
Mullioned windows.
In a poetry recital,
In a Block Facebook group,
I recapped the 29th
Episode of The Block.
At the end of this performance,
A man stood up and said,
“Needed more waxing of the lyrical,
Regarding the red caps. Mon dieu!”
Teddi, my friend, this is for you.
Part Two
Scarlet
Scarlet red
Vermilion
Scarlet
Ruby red
Ruby-coloured
Cherry
Cherry red
Scarlet
Cardinal
Wine
Wine red
Wine-coloured
Blood
Blood red,
This blood
Is Smeared
Across both
Kristy and Brett’s
Foreheads.
In episode 30
Of The Block,
This team
puts their MAGA
Hats on once again.
They accuse
Eliza and Liberty
Of being Channel 9’s
Favourite daughters.
Of getting favouritism injections.
That The Block just
Gave them the kitchen win.
“We’ve got nothin’ to lose,”
Kristy says.
“Let’s just f**king burn it down.”
Not even the
French have
A word for
This bloodshed.
Je ne comprends pas.
The Block — A Leah and Ash Interlude
I wonder if the magpies on
Charming Street know
That they were filmed for TV.
Is that why they keep
Hidden as the sun rises?
Did they avoid
The Block’s Leah and Ash?
To a magpie,
Scotty Cam could
Seem a lot like
David Attenborough.
Construction,
The tearing down of
Their neighbourhood,
A small price to
Pay for bird clout.
The Block — Episode 31
Part One
In a cloak of prophecy
And good faith,
The Angel of Death,
Eliza, rocks up at House Two.
She stands before
The Block’s Leah and Ash,
A beacon of narrative.
Eliza tells them that
Kristy and Brett are cringe.
That a friendship with
Them is a drunk game
Of Jenga on a hibernating
Brown bear’s sore back.
“People don’t want to
Work for them any longer,
Sparkies, plumbers,”
Says the Angel of Death.
“The crew hates
Being around them.”
“They made four crew cry.
They’re constantly told to apologise,
So that trades will show up.”
Eliza,
The Angel
Of Death,
Then leaves.
Leah crumples into
Ashes and sackcloth.
“We’re really guilty,”
Leah says, “by association.”
“I do not want other
People thinking that that’s me.”
“My kids,”
Ash adds and
Then pauses.
“I came
On here
To show
Them they
Can do
Anything:
Not that
They can
Be mean.”
Missed birthday parties.
Crumpled cakes.
Part Two
Dear Steph and Gian.
It was a night
Where the curative
Of space became cool
And the dark
Blue hung over Melbourne.
A hundred strangers
Walked through your home.
They walked
Through the
Other homes too.
Like a
Perverse
Election,
They all
Voted for
Their
Favourite
Haunts.
The house
With the most votes
Scored splendour,
The keys to the nuke,
And $50,000.
Congrats,
Steph and Gian.
You won.
The Block — Episode 31
Part One
It’s Alien
Versus
Predator.
Godzilla
Versus
King Kong.
Harold Holt
Versus Water.
In the dead 10.00pm
Of a Thursday night,
Kristy searches for Leah.
She finds her
In House Five,
Next to the
Angel of Death’s
New fireplace.
Kristy then acts
Like Caesar
Getting stabbed.
Like Ash talking
To anyone is heresy.
“Why the f**k are you here?”
Leah freezes up, and leaves.
It’s the dead 10.15pm
Of a Thursday night,
And Kristy searches for Ash.
She finds him,
Somewhere, I don’t know.
“Just
Seen
Your
Wife,”
Says
Kristy.
“She’s dead to me.”
Part Two
In an ad break for
The Block,
I go to the bathroom,
I’m washing my hands.
And from the bottom
Of the drain,
I hear Scotty Cam’s voice.
He must be
Trying to
Break in again.
From the
Bottom of the drain, he asks,
“Who’s your favourite
Character on The Block?”
“Eliza,” I say.
And from the
Bottom of the drain,
He asks, “Why?”
“She has a good heart,” I say.
“She’s turned into the
Angel of Death against her will.”
“Every word she says,”
I say, “She crafts poems.”
From the bottom of the drain,
He asks, “This drain is too tight.
Could you please buzz me up?”
Next minute, we are
Sitting on my couch,
The Block is back on.
A McCafé barista
Is asking Eliza what she
Thinks about the
Kristy and Leah drama.
“She was screaming at
Leah last night, apparently,”
Says the Angel of Death.
“Her only friend.”
“The hole is so deep
There’s no ladder long
Enough to come
Back from it,” she adds.
“And now the ladder
Has been removed
From the hole. It’s on fire.
It’s ashes. It’s dust.
It’s in the wind, it’s gone.”
Scotty Cam then shifts a bit,
Covered in drain goop,
And says, “You’re right, every word
She says, she crafts poems.”
The Block — Episode 32
Part One
It’s Alien
Versus
Predator.
Jackie Chan
Versus Jet Lee.
Uncle Joe
Versus the
Centrelink
Call Centre.
In Kristy and Brett’s
Second place kitchen,
Ash stands, Leah sits.
Kirsty and Brett
Stand behind their
Kitchen counter.
Kristy
Leans in, like a
Leopard holding a
Sniper rifle.
“My God,” says Leah.
“I have been saying things
Behind people’s backs
That I would never dream
Of saying to their faces.”
“And it’s just not me.”
“The things that
I have witnessed or
Heard from you guys,
I should have shut it down,
Because that’s not me.”
“But I could say
The same to you,”
Replies Kristy, “I could
Say the same to you.”
“We really
Should’ve had this
Off-mic, to be honest
With you,” Brett adds.
“We have opportunities
Like this off-mic.”
“You wanted to pull a camera
In here to try and clear your name.”
The cameraman
Holds the shot steady.
“Sometimes your behaviour
Can be really inappropriate,” Leah says.
“I’m actually starting
To get offended
That you’ve come
Into my house,” Kristy says.
“We’ve all got
Bathrooms to deliver,” Leah says.
Everyone exits stage right.
Part Two
Between relinquishing
Fortune cookies, and taking old
Ladies to heaven, the
Angel of Death has been busy.
They have been
Designing a master ensuite,
Of marble walls,
And a bone white toilet.
A shower that’s bigger
Than the downfall of Rome.
“Tranquil,
And beautiful,” went a judge.
“In every single
Sense, it’s a success.”
However, there’s just one problem.
The Angel of Death,
They then tie for first place with
Two people on their hit list.
They tie with
Kristy and Brett.
The Block drops on Sundays through to Wednesdays on Channel 9 and the 9Now app.
Want more Block competition details this 2023? Read all of our coverage here, and click the links below:
- Recapping the First Week of The Block as Poetry
- Recapping the Second Week of The Block as Poetry
- Recapping the Third Week of The Block as Poetry
- Recapping the Fourth Week of The Block as Poetry
- Recapping the Fifth Week of The Block as Poetry
- Recapping the Sixth Week of The Block as Poetry
- Recapping the Seventh Week of The Block as Poetry
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