“Shrek’s Pubes” — Recapping the Fifth Week of ‘The Block’ as Poetry

Joel Burrows is a poet who has been published by CorditeGoing Down Swinging, and Stilts Poetry, amongst others. He’s also a huge fan of The Block. In this series, Block-etry, Joel recaps each episode of The Block’s 2023 season. Please enjoy his breakdown of The Block’s fifth week and who won on Sunday, September 10.

The Block — Episode 18

In a bucket hat,
A hadal blue
Beach poncho,
And workboots,
Eliza necks
Moët champagne.

Today is her 37th birthday. 

Earlier this episode,
Ash called her
Moss wall, “Shrek’s pubes.”

There are
Kids today
Who dream
Of starring on
The Block
During recess.

They want to be
The next Scotty Cam.

Will they instead
Grow up to be dentists?

To get fired on the moon?

Die of a McCafé overdose
In an Engadine bathroom?
Today is Eliza’s 37th birthday.

Her sister named
Liberty loves her so much.

This scene reminds
Me of my garden,
The growing tulip leaves.

What bliss, Eliza.

Pure bliss.

The Block — Episode 19

The fog has risen
From the sea
And crowned
The dark untrodden
Summits of the coast.

Kirsty and Brett
Have now decided who
They’ll be on this
Season of The Block.

They have
To hate Steph.

To cancel the couch of
Their dreams and
Buy the last beige baby
That House Four
Wanted in its living room.

They have
To become Leah.

To put $10,000 before the
Human Rights Act of 1999.

In a cut away,
Kristy says,
“Let’s not forget
That this is a game.”

“And if anyone doesn’t think
That it wasn’t a gameplay
To be friendly at the beginning,
They’re underestimating us.”

A producer then asks,
“So you’re not
Really friends with anyone?

“Leah and Ash,”
Responds Brett:
A man who will
Now live for eternity.

“The rest of it’s fake.”

Kirsty and Brett,
Welcome to
Becoming the news.

The Block — Episode 20

Part One

In the middle
Of the night,
Screams can
Be heard on
Charming Street.

They are coming from
Gian and Steph’s home. 

It’s causing the
Neighbours to talk.

In the cold
Light of day,
Channel 9 asks
Them about it.

Gian responds:
“I think everyone needs
to stay in their lane.”

Steph weeps:
“I just hate it
When people
Think I’m a bitch
When I’m not.”

Glory be.

A red carpet
Made of red flags.

Part Two

The year is 2023,
And Brett
Is playing 5D chess.

He doesn’t want
To do anymore
Building on The Block.

He will not use his
Hands to lay pyramids.

Brett has
Instead decided
To hire an apprentice
To do his work,
Despite being on the
Verge of bankruptcy.

This news has
Upset his builder.

“I’m definitely not
Doing that,” says Brett.

“You lazy bastard,”
Replies his builder.

“Don’t tell me
To insulate,” says Brett.

“It’s a building
Show,” replies his builder.

“Yeah,” says Brett.
“And I’m not
The f**king builder!”

Near the end
Of the episode,
Kirsty and Brett
Are stressing
About their budget.

“Even if we won every challenge.
Even if we won every room.
We still wouldn’t have enough to
Meet our budget,” says Brett,
Smashing a McCafé frappuccino.

It’s true: Ignorance is an artform.

We cannot tell the
Dancer from the dance.

The Block — Episode 21

In a black
Covered in
White paint,
Eliza falls
Asleep in
Her shower.

It’s the only room in her
House that’s not cucked.

Her living-dining
Room is a century
Away from being built,
And she has only 24
Hours to finish it.

However, as rosy-fingered
Dawn flicks on
The Block’s Sunday, Eliza rallies.

She scrubs the
Debris off her
Benjamin Ripple
Ash Dining Table.

She vacuums all
Of her tears off
Her Alfresco
Jute Fireplace Rug.

She gives a
Final kiss to her
Martin Breeze painting,
An abstract piece called
Champ de Mars.

Eliza is 37 years old,
And she dreams
Of winning The Block.

Leah and Ash,
Your living room won
The Block’s Sunday.
Your kingdom
Scored a first place.

The Block drops on Sundays through to Wednesdays on Channel 9 and the 9Now app.

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