According to a study by The Journal of Sex Research, over 60% of men and over 50% of women have fantasised about being dominated sexually.
For those who have expressed their desire to engage in this type of sexual activity, often take part in BDSM — a term which stands for “Bondage, Discipline, Dominance, Submission, Sadism and Masochism”.
For 37-year-old Alina Ambrosia*, who recently left her career in the media industry to become a courtesan (a high-class sex-worker who works exclusively with wealthy and upper-class clients), BDSM has become common-place in her day-to-day work.
“I delve into this world with my Number One client mainly,” Ambrosia said in an exclusive interview with TheLatch—. “Although I do mention that I am into a ‘smattering of BDSM’ on my Scarlet Blue profile [private escort profile], I won’t allow this for first-time clients. BDSM is an intimate exchange, so it needs to come from a very trusting place.”
For Ambrosia, it’s an exciting area to explore.
“It’s about the excitement of a challenge and pushing your limits,” she said.
We sat down with Ambrosia, who answered all of our burning questions about the unique world of BDSM.
Anita Lyons: Hi Alina, thank you so much for talking to me about the world of BDSM. Explain to me how you define BDSM.
Alina Ambrosia: Thanks to the prevalence of this subculture being popularised via books and movies like 50 Shades of Grey, it is no longer a taboo subject. If anything it is in vogue at the moment. More and more people are trying their hand at a bit of spanking, whipping and tying.
BDSM varies from a gentle smack on the butt, right down to being locked in a cage under a bed in a sex dungeon. It really comes down to personal preference, negotiation with your partner and a myriad of discussed safety rules.
AL: How did you personally get into it and why do you like it?
AB: I have a BDSM mentor, *Sir Dominic, who shows me the ropes — yes, pun intended — so that I can operate safely in this space.
I started like most people do: a bit of fun kinky behaviour in the bedroom in my personal life. I had bought a set of sexy toy shop handcuffs — which barely locked and you could force them open easily. It was initially a joke gift for a hens party but I forgot to take them with me. They stayed by my bed until I had the genius idea of trying them out one night with a partner and voila — I discovered I really enjoyed the feeling of power or having that power taken away.
When I started my role as a courtesan, I had the good fortune of meeting Sir Dominic who offered to take me through a typical hardcore BDSM session. We met at his dungeon and he spent two hours with me.
In that session, I learned invaluable lessons around dungeon behaviour, etiquette, techniques and how to dominate or be the submissive. It was truly mind-blowing.
I love it because it adds an exciting element to a booking. It’s like an adult play world where you can test your limits — and let’s face it, the outfits that I get to wear are amazing! Think latex dresses, thigh-high boots, collars and cuffs.
The flip side of a session is the thing that Sir Dominic taught me on day one… You can hurt, but you must also heal the person. Spending time being cradled in someone’s arms afterwards is such a lovely way to conclude the experience.
“It’s like an adult play world where you can test your limits — and let’s face it, the outfits that I get to wear are amazing! Think latex dresses, thigh-high boots, collars and cuffs.”
AL: Consent is essential, so how does it work when it comes to BDSM. Do you use safe words?
AB: Safety and consent is a major factor. We have safety words. In my sessions “orange” means “yes, keep going, but I am reaching my limit” and “red” means a hard “stop now”. People have their own variations I am sure, but these seem to be the universally accepted safe words.
BDSM just requires a bit of pre-negotiation, like, what are you willing to do specifically? How long do you want to do each of the discussed elements? What are your safety words or precautions?
AL: Are there normally multiple people involved?
AB: I usually visit a dungeon in Sydney, The Kastle, where there is myself, Number One client and usually another girl.
Number One client is the main “Dom” to both of us, and then I get to use the other girl as a submissive, so I get some fun too.
We — myself and the other girl — are cuffed and collared by Number One client when we arrive and he uses that to hang us off things within the space, or tie us down to the bed in the dungeon.
It’s a really fun way to spend an afternoon!
AL: What is a dom?
AB: A “Dom” is a male dominator and a “Domme” is a female dominatrix.
AL: You said you spend time in a “dungeon”? What is that? Who works there and who can visit a “dungeon”?
AB: Anyone can go to a dungeon, it is just a matter of booking it for the period of time you would like to use it.
There are ‘Mistresses Of The House’ who can be hired by the public to dominate them, or you can visit with a partner (or partners) to enjoy the delights of the equipment that they provide.
There are also the “Matrons of the house” who work there. These women are the gatekeepers of the dungeons essentially. They service your booking by showing you into the main parlour, and ensure you’re ushered into the upstairs dungeon space without ever encountering another patron. Discretion is absolutely their highest priority to the clientele.
A typical dungeon room has a variety of floggers, whips, canes, collars, cuffs, racks for being hung on, spanking bench, a massage-style table and my favourite thing a St Andrews Cross to be hung off!
Some of the other spaces include medical rooms and a doll room — I have never used these rooms before. They’re not my scene.
“Discretion is absolutely their highest priority to the clientele.”
AL: If someone is interested in getting into BDSM, how can they get into it?
AB: Start with a discussion with your partner. Discuss what you are going to do and who is going to be the more dominant party versus being the submissive.
Then you execute it by doing what you know — spanking and restraining are super simple BDSM techniques.
With the brilliant world of online shopping, you can easily buy a simple BDSM kit. They include leather floggers — which are really fun — or a blindfold and Japanese tying rope. They are super easy items to use on your partner.
If you want to really get deep into BDSM, but want to navigate the world safely and with expert knowledge, hire a BDSM coach like Sir Dominic. You would be surprised how many coaches there are out there!
AL: You mentioned this briefly before, but what kind of outfits do people usually wear?
AB: Ah, the outfits are actually the best!
I have quite a collection of black silky lingerie, feathers, spurs that attach to your heels, thigh-high boots, leather cuffs, leather collars and latex dresses.
Males will normally dress in black for the dungeon.
I have seen some of the girls I work with come straight from their office job in everyday business attire, too. You won’t have to invest in a whole new wardrobe to get into the dungeon space, it is just another element that I love about BDSM.
AL: Does anything scare you about BDSM?
AB: Inexperience — it’s exactly why I only allow my trusted client or Sir Dominic to partake in this element on me.
AL: Has anything shocked you about the world of BDSM?
AB: Having attended some BDSM parties with Sir Dominic, what really struck me was the community. It is filled with all sorts of people and all walks of life: teachers, lawyers or your typical suburban couple, but just out for the night and dressed in leather!
BDSM doesn’t discriminate and it is a very loving and inclusive group of people in my experience.
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Alina Ambrosia and Brookelyn Bennett are releasing a podcast called “2 Girls 1 Mike”, coming soon.
*Not real names