A kink is a unique sexual taste, something outside of the ‘norm’ vanilla beige of sexual experiences. A kink can be something you enjoy, that doesn’t define your sexual experience (you don’t need it to cum). It’s the cherry on top of an already iced cupcake.
A fetish is on the more extreme end of kink. Depending on the individual, a fetish can be necessary for full sexual gratification (you may need it to cum). Regardless of its necessity, fetishes and kinks should NOT be happening without clear consent. And below, we’re going to talk through how.
Kinks come in many forms. They can be anything from BDSM and role-play to orgasm control, to more extreme erotic humiliation and even cannibalism — as we’ve seen with Armie Hammer’s recently reported interests.
Although kinks may exist in all of us, talking about them out loud is difficult, but necessary. The word “kink” in itself feels like a taboo.
Danger is tempting but challenges society’s morals and therefore, kinks can be laced with guilt and shame that we definitely don’t want to address. But for the sake of consent, we absolutely must.
“Not just with sexual desires but sex in general. Once we start talking about wanting to express fantasies, we enter a whole new realm of vulnerability,” says Womanizer ambassador, Kath Ebbs.
“Verbal foreplay is a great way to express any desires you might have with your partner in a fun and relaxed way. It’s also quite a turn-on.”
What we’re into when we’re alone is completely okay. If you haven’t shared your kink(s) with anyone else, that doesn’t mean they’re not socially acceptable. We’re creatures of sexual desire and we’re all unique.
By revealing a kink, you’re revealing a super vulnerable and intimate part of yourself to someone else. You can’t ever be sure of how they’ll react and if you have feelings for them, the risk that they’ll walk away makes it that much scarier. But open communication means honesty, and honesty is always rewarding. You might find out that they’re into the same thing as you, or that they’re open to experimentation.
Ebbs has experienced empowerment through being able to express their needs.
“I have personally found the more I face my fears in regards to talking about sex openly, the better I have become in my personal life at expressing my desires. Not only during sex, but in all areas of my life. I feel less guilt about putting up boundaries and less shame about being exactly who I am.
“Sometimes the best way to talk about what you like and what you want is to just talk about it. Once you work past the initial awkwardness you become better at expressing yourself- in all areas of life,” Ebbs explains.
If you don’t have any kinks, or haven’t explored that realm enough to know if you do, that’s okay too. There’s such mystery enveloping the kinky category of sex, that it’s no wonder we don’t know more about it. With so little sex education and so much shame around sexuality in our society, it’s unsurprising that we struggle to know how to ask for the things we want.
But the thing is, before we can ask consent to experience our kinks with a partner, we first have to accept them ourselves.
There is only one way to ask for consent; to ask. It’s that black and white, and it can even be sexy. You can start small, by asking permission to kiss someone, to take their pants off, or to touch them. Then as you get more comfortable with asking questions, you can ask questions about your kink. Would you mind if I…? How do you feel about…?
“There is nothing hotter than someone asking me if they can take my pants off. But sexy or not, you must ask. If you didn’t, you haven’t been given consent,” explains Ebbs.
“Don’t let anyone make you feel small or as though you owe them shit because you agreed to the second drink at their house. You can want to kiss and not want to fuck, that is okay. NEVER ‘feel bad’ for saying no.”
Or, for saying yes.
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