The Hills Hoist Is In Its Flop Era — Here’s How We Make Them a Phoenix

Hills hoists: They’ve transcended being iconic. These machines were Australian-made back in the 1940s and are now a staple of Aussie backyards. They’re in the pantheon of Vegemite, drop bears, and leaving your wallet safely on a towel at the beach. To imagine a day when you can’t buy a hill hoist, well, that’s an earth-quaking thought.

However, since the 1940s boom, the hill hoist has entered its flop era. This is because they’ve stagnated. All of the innovation and excitement is over.

Now, this is where I step in. Because, while I have no engineering experience, I have three ideas that I’m confident will bring hill hoists back into vogue.  

Don’t believe me? Think I’m being arrogant, a jester? Well, let me prove you wrong. Here’s how we can improve the classic hoist.

Make Hills Hoists’ Solar Powered 

The point of a hill hoist is that it dries your clothes by spinning in the wind. Yet, if it isn’t windy, you might as well have hung your clothes on a stationary clothesline. You know, like a chump.

Enter: A little solar panel. That’s right, new hill hoists should come with little solar panels at the top that will make them spin in the sunlight. Not only would this make our clothes dry faster, but this would also add a little bit of whimsy to our lives.

Make Hills Hoists Goon Bag Compatible

In Australia, we have an ancient and historic tradition of standing in a circle around a hills hoist, pegging a goon bag to it, and then spinning it around. After this, when the hoist stops, whoever is closest to said goon bag must take a drink from it. The game is called Goon of Fortune, and playing it means you’ve made some bad choices.

However, there’s yet another issue with Goon of Fortune. Sometimes, the pegs can’t hold the weight of a goon bag. And this sometimes turns a goon bag into a very feral water balloon. 

Therefore, each hill hoist should come with a goon bag holster. This holster should be shaped like a goon box and have velcro straps on the sides. Then, you won’t have to peg your goon bag to a hoist, you can instead securely strap it to one of its round tubular arms.  

Believe me, this is the sort of innovation that ill-advised uni students are asking for.

Give Our Hills Hoists Custom Designs

Hey, you know what would slap? A candy cane coloured hills hoist at Christmas. Or one that has Dior’s logo. 

No, I don’t want to homebrew these ideas with some hard work and some paint. I want to get these from a hardware store.

Yo, Mitre 10, the ball’s in your court. Please don’t leave this money on the table.

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