Mild Take Alert: Australia doesn’t have enough public holidays. Overall, we only get 11 to 14 of them, depending on which state or territory you live in. Meanwhile, Nepal scored 24, and Japan has 16.
No kidding, who is behind this international plague of injustice?
Spicy Take Alert: I should be the person to make new public holidays for this country. And me alone. This is because I’m confident that I’ll legislate the breaks that we all so desperately need.
Don’t believe me? Well then, here are five new public holidays that I invented for your pleasure. Enjoy.
HBO Finale Day
Like it or not, but the planet grinds to a halt every time a HBO finale drops. People chucked sickies for Game of Thrones, others couldn’t think straight ‘cause of The Last of Us, and who knows what chaos the next season of White Lotus will cause.
Therefore, we should just make things official. Every day a big HBO finale is released, we get a public holiday. Why kid ourselves into thinking we won’t just take the day off anyway?
New Fears Eve
My pals, Halloween is a mid-holiday. It’s an American export dedicated to the yellow M&M and adults dressing up as the shells of their former childhoods.
New Fears Eve, on the other hand, well, that will become an Australian classic. It will take place on November 1, a spookier date. It will be dedicated to Caramello Koala, the sexiest chocolate mascot. Adults won’t dress up as childhood characters, they’ll instead receive signed autographs from Mr Squiggle himself.
Also, call me a trash bag, but I think New Fears Eve sounds better than Halloween. And branding in 2023 is everything.
On September 6, we should all get a day off. ‘Cause, what’s better than celebrating the old iconic 69 in style? Hilarious.
Moving swiftly on.
The Mid-Year Break
Fun fact: July 2 is exactly halfway through the year. And by that point in time, most of us are exhausted, downtrodden, or a gnarly mix of both.
So, with this in mind, why not turn July 2 into a new public holiday? Why not allow everyone to take a mid-year pause before jumping back into the chaos?
What’s more, in comparison to the other brave public holidays that I’ve pitched, I reckon that this one makes the most sense. Getting a break on July 2 would actually help us Aussies regroup, recharge, and smash the second half of each year.
January 3: The Day of Our Birthday Boy
Every January 3, it’s my birthday, and I strongly believe that my birthday should be celebrated on a national scale. It should be a day that every person gets off.
“Why?” you might ask. Well, because if all goes to plan, I will gift each Australian four other new and improved public holidays that they can all enjoy. So, from my side of things, this will make me a hero. A hero worth celebrating for the ages.
Anthony Albanese, if you want to make these new public holidays real, you know how to get in contact. Please, give ya boy a call. Thank you.