Amy Gerard: Here’s the Checklist I Gave My Husband While He Looked After Our 3 Kids Under 4


In her next column for TheLatch— Sydney ‘mumfluencer’ and Instagram personality, Amy Gerard, discusses the importance of the Girls’ Night Out and her simple-not-simple checklist to helping her replacement nail looking after her three kids under four on the first go.

A right of passage after you’ve had children is to be able to organise a ‘Girls’ Night Out’. Whether it’s with your old school friends, new friends, mum friends, or the girl you met in the women’s toilets after a few too many wines.

No one, and I mean no one, is more deserving of a girls’ night out and a good time than a Mum. In my opinion, the more kids, the more free time you should get — although it doesn’t often work out that way.

It doesn’t necessarily have to involve alcohol and a dance floor (although when done in conjunction with each other can result in a sensational night out, speaking from experience!). It might be a nice vegan dinner followed by some palm-reading or a hotel room with your nearest and dearest, a cheese platter, face masks and sleep-ins.

Whatever it is that your heart desires, make sure you are constantly making time for yourself. A happy, recharged Mum is a way more patient mum, after all. All you really have to do is outline a few key things to ensure whoever is looking after your kids has it covered. You want to set them up for success, because success means they’ll nail it and leave you the fuck alone to enjoy your night.

Recently, I was able to head off on my first girls’ night post-iso. My husband Rhian took care of our three kids under four: Charli, Bobby and Kobe.

Although he is a great hands-on Dad, he works long hours and doesn’t get home until after they are in bed during the week. Then he has me with him on the weekend! So, for his first night alone with all three, I wrote something of a cheat sheet to a smooth-running evening.

It included very casual things along the lines of:

  • Keep air-con on at 23 degrees.
  • Keep Bobby from streaking outside naked.
  • Kobe will eat dinner at 4.30pm. He will want double the amount I’ve left behind for him so be prepared to crack open some pouches and don’t be alarmed when he shrieks like a dying banshee at you. He’ll let you know when he’s full by going quiet and defecating in his nappy which will end up behind his ears because of the sitting position.
  • Do not let Bobby and Charli help you change him. They mean well but everyone will end up with poo on their fingers which then ends up on the wall or in Bobby’s eye.
  • Charli and Bobby eat dinner at 5.00pm. Charli likes to be fed like a baby bird. Bobby will be doing laps of the lounge room with no pants on. Don’t be offended if he doesn’t acknowledge your orders to sit down (we are working on his listening skills).
  • They only get dessert if they BOTH finish dinner. Keep an eye on Charli because she will excuse herself to use the loo multiple times. SPOILER ALERT: she’s spitting mouthfuls into the bin (my kids will literally do anything for dessert).
  • Don’t take your eyes off Kobe. When he’s not hovering next to their table trying to finger their bowls, he is a Dyson on legs and will suck every single crumb off the floor.
  • Run the bath at 5.45pm, get the water to 42.5 degrees. Belly button height. Everyone gets a bath bomb (except Kobe). Try to stop Bobby from eating his.
  • Put all three on the toilet before bath otherwise they will ALL piss in the bath and you will end up with it splashed all over your face.
  • Charli will pick her own pyjamas. This can take up to 28 attempts. DO NOT INTERFERE WITH THIS PROCESS. Attempt to get ‘crinkles’ out of her pants.
  • Bobby will make you chase him around the house 43 times nude air drying himself and dressing him is like dressing a pitbull puppy.
  • Kobe will begin malfunctioning around 6.00pm. Bottle is in the fridge on the top shelf. Heat it up for 45 seconds. Put a bib on him and a bath sheet on you because he’s the Vomatron1000. Feed him on a 78-degree angle in your arms. Be ready for the burp.
  • Kobe goes to bed at 6.15pm. Put him in a cocoon, ensure white noise is so loud it sounds like a Russian fighter jet to block out Charli and Bobby. Lay him in his cot and walk out.
  • Read Charli and Bobby two books. They get to choose one each. Charli will choose Cinderella because it’s the LONGEST book in the bookcase. Do not attempt to skip pages or lines because she has memorised every fucking word. Bobby will do whatever Charli says and will pick the second-longest book there is. Which she has also memorised. This can sometimes take up to 30 minutes.
  • Charli and Bobby bed: 7.00pm
  • Charli will want water.
  • Charli will want face tickles
  • Charli will want you to lie next to her.
  • Spend next hour putting Bobby back to bed multiple times.
  • And lastly, DO NOT CALL ME. By the time you get down to this point, I will have had too many wines and be deeply invested in my small breather of freedom so keep going.

You’re doing great, sweetie!

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