Breakups. They help us create self-worth by breaking us down and then making us build ourselves back up again so we’re stronger than before.
As your emotions get hurt, and you feel rejected or abandoned, your mind starts to take over with negative or spiralling thoughts. Our self-talk centres around telling you it’s your fault the breakup happened, listing all the terrible ways you messed up, and basically why you’re a terrible person.
This is because you’ve entered survival mode, and the only way the mind knows how to protect you, conditioned from pre-historic times, is to look out for threats and problems. You’re not thinking rationally enough (yet!) to assess the relationship for what it was, so that reptilian part of your brain puts all the blame on you.
You’ll think the worst during this time, but it’s important you recognise that and don’t buy into it. A helpful thing to say to yourself is: “I feel hurt and confused and will take my healing day by day. No matter what happens, I’m still a worthy person and deserving person of love and happiness.”
Ahead, relationship expert and life coach Alina Rose shares three other ways you can help rebuild your self-love and self-worth after a breakup.
Surround yourself with friends, family, healers, therapists, furry friends who will cocoon you with love. Listen to you. Hug you. Let you stay with them for a week. Cry with you. Make you meals.
We dread breakups because we fear being alone and lost without our partners. All these wonderful people in your support camp will ensure you don’t feel that way.
Indulge in Self-Care
Imagine being in a relationship with someone who never compliments you or spends quality time with you. Or doesn’t do things that make you happy. Your inner self is the same.
We thrive on treating ourselves to special gifts and pleasures for the self just because, talking kindly and encouragingly to ourselves and talking quality time with the self to journal and reflect on our true hearts and desires.
A wounded soul needs to be tended with care. Our emotions are very fragile, so bad food, lots of alcohol and toxic conversations will only destabilise your tender bio-chemistry and stress you further.
Alternatively, healthy eating and processing of thoughts will give you the mental and physical foundation to process what you’re going through. Anything from journaling, getting reiki, taking fragrant baths or practising aromatherapy will soothe you. And it’s okay to do lots of crying.
Create Space From Your Ex and for Your Feelings
That first means space from your ex, so you can take a pause and process how you feel without getting caught back in those toxic or painful patterns.
As best you can, try not seeing each other, texting or even social media stalking. In the heat of the moment, things you hear and see will set your recovering and healing back. Even what is meant to be an innocent exchange can quickly end up in tears and screaming. You can have closure, but get emotionally stronger first.
To become that way, create space for your feelings. That means the permission and room to cry, scream, speak to someone, journal… so you can process and unpack what’s going on for you.
Too many of us make the mistake of getting busy and distracting ourselves after a breakup to avoid the hurt, but this will impact you in other ways, such as sabotaging behaviours, health and sleep problems and recurring patterns down the line in future relationships.