It’s official, and it’s been official for a while. Melbourne Cup Day is cringe.
In 1981, the Melbourne Cup Carnival attracted over 87,000 attendees. Meanwhile, in 2003, Flemington Racecourse attracted over 120,000 attendees.
But as of 2023, these days are deader than a horse called Verema. In 2013, Verema was a horse that was euthanised on the track.
According to a Guardian Essential poll from last year, Melbourne Cup fans are on the decline. Of those surveyed, 45% believed that this event promotes “unhealthy” gambling behaviours. Likewise, 34% said it normalises animal cruelty.
What’s more, the 2023 Melbourne Cup crowd is expected to score fewer than 85,000 people. Likewise, its TV ratings are dwindling.
So, now that the Melbourne Cup is no longer the race that stops the nation, what should you do with your Tuesday instead? Have a regular workday, go about your business? Well frankly, that would be absurd.
May we suggest a more fruitful activity? Every Melbourne Cup Tuesday, you should become a horse girl. Maybe bet on a horse girl movie or two.
Part One: What Is a Horse Girl?
Per Heels Down Mag, a horse girl is a person who is obsessed with both stallions and mares.
“A horse girl is fiercely passionate about the animal, its care, and its health,” the mag states. “A horse girl loves the feeling that comes with just being near horses, not necessarily the ribbons that come from the show ring or the adrenaline of galloping and jumping.
“The horse’s needs come before that of any horse girl and sometimes their human loved ones.”
Typically, horse girls are primary schoolers. They have binders of horse stickers, have horse backpacks, and daydream about these great beasts. However, you don’t have to be a girl to be a horse girl. The only prerequisite is a love for the animal.
Part Two: What Is a Horse Girl Movie?
Horse girl movies are typically about girls who own a horse or meet a horse. They are self-insert films. They allow all of us to imagine what it is like to be besties with a horse, if only for a few hours.
However, it’s worth noting that horse girl movies aren’t about horse racing. After all, if horse racing is cringe, why would it be fine to film this activity on a set? Spoilers: It’s not.
Part Three: Why You Should Bet on Horse Girl Films
Horse girl plots tend to rollercoaster between classic teen tropes and buckwild twists. This makes them the perfect films to bet on this Melbourne Cup day. If you aren’t comfortable betting money on these flicks, you can bet with Starbursts, friendship bracelets, and secrets.
Part Four: The Horse Girl Movies to Bet on
The Wild Stallion
In The Wild Stallion, a 16-year-old Miranda Cosgrove pretends to be an 11-year-old named Hanna Mills. During the summer of 2009, Hanna goes to a horse ranch to take photos of wild mustangs and attempt to save the environment.
However, something sinister is afoot. While at this ranch, Hanna learns of a legendary black stallion and the villains trying to kill him.
The Wild Stallion: Betting Odds
- The father of Hanna Mills is dead — 50/1 odds
- The black stallion is the best actor — 9/1 odds
- There are no country songs in the credits — 9000/1 odds
Spirit: Stallion of the Cimarron
Spirit is a film about how in the 19th century, western colonial forces attacked and oppressed Lakota Native Americans. It’s also a film about how the voice of Matt Damon is trapped in a horse.
Stallion of the Cimarron: Betting Odds
- The animation is mid — 90/1 odds
- Matt Damon sounds stoned — 5/1 odds
- It stars an American eagle — 2/1 odds
Albion: The Enchanted Stallion
Oh. Another movie with a stallion in the title. It must be a word that us horse girls respect above all.
In this film, a magical black horse teleports a 12-year-old girl to the magical realm of Albion. She then discovers that she’s the key to saving an entire race of people from genocide. What a twist.
The Enchanted Stallion: Betting Odds
- All of the CGI is wet garbage — 3/1 odds
- The horse wields a knife — 90/1 odds
- This film will heal your inner child — 2/1 odds
Part Five: A Thoughtful Horse Girl Conclusion
The Melbourne Cup Carnival’s dead. Horse girls, rise up, reign supreme.
Related: Where Are All the Great Union Films?