I Asked My Pals for a Friendship Performance Review and the Results Were Pure Chaos

Folks, I’m not going to lie, I think I’m an incredible friend. Need somewhere to crash? I’ve got you. Want to borrow my copy of Slaughterhouse-Five? So it goes. Have a terrible and traumatic secret? My dude, I’m taking that to the depths of the ocean.

However, for ages, I didn’t have any empirical evidence that proves that my friendship is golden. What’s more, there’s often a chasm between truth and belief.

And so, I decided to do something buckwild. I decided to ask my pals to give our friendship a performance review.

“Hello chums,” went the start of a Google Form that I sent to my mates. “For The Latch, I’m asking my best friends to give me a performance review. Please answer all the following questions honestly. You will remain anonymous if you so wish. This page will only be up for 24 hours. Thanks!”

What follows is a torrent of honesty.

Lesson One: I Need to Get Better At Texting

For the longest time, if you wanted to get in touch with me, we’d have to get on a call. For I was a garbage texter. Sometimes, it would take me a week to respond to a “let’s hang.” Sometimes, I’d ghost a “hey” or a “sup.”

However, I know this is a weakness of mine. So in 2023, I have been trying really hard to improve. Now, this progress hasn’t been linear. Earlier this year, it took me around a month to text back my pal Jimmy. But, as I have previously stated, I’m working on improving this muscle. I now sometimes text back within hours.

So, is this hard work paying off? Well, I think so. According to my friendship performance reviews, two of my mates think I’m a good texter, and three of my friends are neutral.

Click how you feel about the following statement: Joel Burrows is good at texting people back.
Image: Joel Burrows

Yet, while my reputation has improved, I still have some ways to go. This is because three of my chums still think I’m rubbish at texting.

Lesson Two: Would I Help My Friends Cover Up Murders?

Near the top of my performance review form, I asked my pals if they’d count on me to help cover up a murder. It was my sincere wish that nobody would think that I’d commit such a crime. 

And tragically, my hopes got quickly munted. Three of my friends believed that I’d hide a legit kill. 

Click how you feel about the following statement: Joel Burrows would help you cover up a murder.
Image: Joel Burrows

What’s more, I don’t know the names of these individuals. They decided to stay 100% anonymous.

So, at this juncture, I would like to tell my friends that no, I will not cover up your murders. Even if you ask nicely.

Thank you so much for your time.

Lesson Three: I Have the Best Mates on Planet Earth

Alright folks, I’m sick of sledging myself. It’s now time to reveal that my mates think that I’m an excellent pal.

Click how you feel about the following statement: Joel Burrows is a loyal friend.
Image: Joel Burrows

All of my friends think that I’m a loyal friend. All of my friends think that I’m a trustworthy friend. Overall, my friendship scored a 9.1625/10.

Click how you feel about the following statement: Joel Burrows is a trustworthy friend.
Image: Joel Burrows

However, while these scores are beaut, there weren’t my fave answers in this survey. ‘Cause some of the written responses have transformed into gifts.

“Joel is an incredibly kind, thoughtful, and patient friend, ready to go ham on the day with you, but also happy to slow to the pace you’re at,” wrote one bud. “You can also count on him for excellent and innovative, impeccably paced food and entertainment experiences.”

Meanwhile, another chum noted, “Joel’s the type of friend that you can not see for a few years, but pick right up where you left it last time, like no time has passed.”

These responses are rad because all of my reviewers deserve similar compliments to the ones that they crafted. All of my reviewers are loyal, trustworthy, empathetic people. I have the best mates on the planet.

This exercise in buckwild behaviour has made me so incredibly grateful. I’m truly a blessed boy. I’m lucky to have such a support network.  

Lesson Four: Don’t Let Kristian Bonitz on Your Beyblade Council 

In 2023, I’ve gotten really into Beyblades. You know, the anime version of spinning tops. I even set up a Beyblade Council to create a tournament for the ages.

When I asked my friend Kristian Bonitz to join the council, he accepted. But he then immediately usurped me and has become the council’s leader. Bonitz now wants to make our Beyblade Council a for-profit organisation. 

In the written section of my friendship performance review, Bonitz revealed his identity. He then mocked me for losing my position as the Leader of the Beyblade.

As Bonitz wrote, “Joel is now complaining that I’ve seized control over his council to control the supply of Beyblades! Cool down man, we’ll all be rich soon!”

I am coming for you, Bonitz. I am coming.

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