Naming your kids is hard. Really hard.
Every common name is tainted by the memory of some awful person from your past who had that name and every ‘unusual’ name is tinged with pretentiousness and the chance that your kid will grow up to be bullied or a psychopath — or both — and it will be your fault for naming them ‘Zanthony’.
It’s truly a minefield and to cap it off we have this lady on TikTok affirming every parents worst nightmare that school staff will absolutely make snap judgements about your child and that their name basically defines their personality.
Manda Dee, a school office worker in the US, goes by ‘The School Office Lady‘ on TikTok and is currently doing a series of videos she calls “How I am using your child’s name to judge them”.
“As many of you know I work in a school office and in all the school offices we do have this conversation where your child’s name directly correlates with their personality,” she said in her first video.
In video one, Dee starts with the boys, digging the dirt on kids named ‘Liam’ or anything beginning with the letter L like Leo, Lucas, or Luca.
“Your child cries. He cries a lot and those tears aren’t real,” she said.
Next up she dishes on the name Jack (this author’s personal favourite – I hope it’s positive!)
“Jack is hyperactive. Incredibly hyperactive and crazy, every single one I have ever met”.
(It was not, although fair).
Isaiah is cute but a liar. Mason’s parents are white. Jackson’s parents are white and they probably drive a Ford, Dee says.
Video two moves onto the girls, starting with the name Olivia.
“Olivia you’re a sweetheart now, but you’re gonna be a bitch once you get to high school,” she said.
“Hazel, Ruth, Evelyn, Lilith, basically all of the old, old lady names; you need to stop correcting me child, and your mum needs a nice glass of wine and a long walk in the sunshine.”
“Any name that implies innocence – Heaven, Angel, Purity, Charity – your child is the opposite, your child is the devil.”
Sophies and Sophias are apparently the “cutest, nicest girls” but they will sell out all their friends when the chips are down and they get called into the office for something they’ve done.
As for two of the most popular girls’ names – Isabella and Amanda – Dee says Amanda’s spill their sister’s nail polish on the classroom rug and blame it on another kid.
Isabella, on the other hand, “refuses to wear her sneakers to gym, instead she wants to wear her Ana and Elsa sparkly jelly flats.”
In subsequent videos, the school worker goes on to say that Biblical names like Isaac, Cain, Abel, or Caleb are usually thieves and will pocket the class Lego.
“And finally we have Daniel. Daniel left his coat on the playground again and probably one of his shoes.”
The videos are pretty hilarious and intended as a bit of light fun about the problems that naming any child comes with by Dee has obviously faced backlash from her jokes as a more recent video covers the mean tweets she has received in response.
“I choose to work with children because they are special and important and amazing people and they are way better than adults,” Dee says
“and they can understand a joke, so give them some credit”