I’m just going to say it: Most New Year’s resolutions are sopping hot garbage.
Unfortunately, this is for two reasons. First of all, struggling to complete a New Year’s resolution is often an isolating experience. For instance, what’s the point of saving for a home if your consort is blowing all of their cash on ultra-rare Yu-Gi-Oh cards?
Moreover, a lot of New Year’s resolutions are either harmful or unattainable. And you know the sort that I’m talking about.
Ergo, Australia needs a Lord of New Year’s Eve. Someone to decree what everyone’s 2023 resolutions are. And maybe provide $5000 fines for the folks who ignore these orders. That way, every single Australian citizen will be accountable to make the type of improvements that our planet desperately needs.
Now, because nobody else is raising their hand, I’d like to humbly give myself this role. From now on, I should be the Lord of New Year’s Eve. And here are the resolutions everyone should adopt in 2023.
Resolution One: All Must Be Quiet on the Quiet Carriage
A baby’s first words shouldn’t be “Mumma” or “Daddy.” This is because their first words should be complete silence when sitting in a NSW train quiet carriage. These carriages have been a staple since 2012. There’s now no excuse, babies or people without headphones, no excuse whatsoever.
Resolution Two: Prime Possum Should Be Our New Dictator
Have you ever been in a 6:00am gladiatorial text argument? Whelp, it might’ve been because someone was grumpy and didn’t get enough sleep the night before.
Moreover, if this hypothetical speaks to you, you’re not alone. Australia is suffering from a surplus of passive-aggressive emojis, with a lot of these instances being rest-related
So, to solve this problem, we need to make Prime Possum the Dictator of All Bedtimes. That’s right, that anthropic marsupial on Channel Seven needs a new job. Instead of being responsible for you going to bed at 7:30pm in 1991, he should be responsible for you now.
We therefore need to give Prime Possum the military power and tracking technology to enforce Australia-wide responsible bedtimes. If we can get this New Year’s resolution off the ground, then more people would be polite before each and every lunchtime.
However, would this idea make George Orwell 360 in his grave? Well, maybe. But it’s a risk that I’m willing to take.
Resolution Three: No More Knocking Hawaiian Pizza
In 1962, the Hawaiian pizza was created by Sam Panopoulos in the far-off country of Canada. He did this by sprinkling some pineapple, ham, cheese, and tomato sauce across some pizza dough.
Since then, Panopoulos’ creation has been a controversial staple. Some people believe it’s scrumptious while others believe it’s putrescent. The internet has been engulfed in many a war debating this pizza’s quality.
However, this argument is now over 60 years old. The discussion is ancient, tired, and bored. It’s time to let it die. Let these pizza simps simp without shame. You don’t have to like it, but think of a new reason for hating your friend’s life choices.