In her next column for TheLatch— Sydney ‘mumfluencer’ and Instagram personality, Amy Gerard, expertly pairs common parenting debacles with the alcohol to help you cope.
If you follow me on Instagram, you would be well and truly aware by now that I have a medium-to-large soft spot for alcohol. Not because I “need it” or anything else of a depressing nature, but because I genuinely enjoy the taste of it.
Most of the time I drink responsibly (mum’s group and birthday nights out aside), but during the week or on the weekend its more about sharing a drink with girlfriends, with hubby over a meal, or at a BBQ with family.
Red wine tends to be paired with pizza or pasta. Rosè is best enjoyed in summer next to the pool with a girlfriend, etc… But this got me thinking about other types of pairings. The ones that are essential when parenting three kids every day for the last six weeks in isolation.
So here they are: The scenarios any and every parent may be familiar with, and the alcohol pairing to complement your daily servings of children driving you up the wall.
SCENARIO: Up all night with a teething baby?
PAIR WITH: You are going to want something light. Something that tastes good but won’t knock you on your already unstable tired ass. Sparkling alcoholic seltzers are a great option.
They are also low in carbs and calories and the alcohol comes from rice. They are basically vegan juice. Enjoy at least two of them whilst having full control over your speech.
SCENARIO: Baby has started crawling and is putting every living and non-living object in his/her mouth meaning you can’t even sneeze with your eyes shut for fear of them choking on some toenail clippings left behind by your husband.
PAIR WITH: My current fave drink ‘Sofi’ (why am I not yet their ambassador?). They are delicious and fruity and, with a not-so-subtle hint of ginger, you can be mistaken for thinking you are having an immunity booster to fight off colds.
Enjoyed best over ice and pour two cans into one big wine glass and you’ve got yourself a nice tasty little 16-percenter.
SCENARIO: Your four-year-old has decided to backchat you all day, rolling her eyes, and aggressively sighing. She is absolutely fed up with your shit and you are wasting your time by even trying to explain that she is wrong ’cause she never is.
PAIR WITH: Vodka. Vodka and anything. You can’t take your frustration out on her, but you can take it out on your drink. You are going to slam that first one down with a slight bit of aggression. Best to enjoy these in a plastic cup.
Have a second vodka. Add some Red Bull in and take yourself for a run. Who cares that it’s 10.00pm at night and you haven’t exercised since 2006. Endorphins, vodka and Red Bull will make you feel invincible.
SCENARIO: Your two-year-old has woken up at 5.30am, gotten nude 185 times, woken your baby up from every nap whilst refusing to have his day nap. Won’t be put in time out. Will scale pantry at least 150 times. Has tea-bagged 80% of the house. Fluctuated between all 13 of his different personalities and made you cry at least twice in the space of eight hours.
PAIR WITH: A really good red. Cab Sav preferably. You need something heavy-bodied and smooth. Its time to relax. I’d skip dinner and have at least six glasses so it has a somewhat sedative effect on you. Finish strong with a block of chocolate before falling into a coma.
SCENARIO: Four-year-old has fired at least 1,500 philosophical questions at you in between telling you how bored she is over and over in a monotone voice that makes you want to head-butt an oncoming school bus.
PAIR WITH: Gin and Tonic. The ratio of gin to tonic can vary depending on how quickly you want the day to end. Add fresh lime for a refreshing twist which is the opposite of how you will feel in the morning.
SCENARIO: Your two-year-old has taken a shit on your carpet upstairs for the second time in one day, rolled your baby over it, trodden in it, and then walked it through the entire house.
PAIR WITH: You need something exceptionally STIFF.
I’d be inclined to go a Negroni. You can now buy them in a can and at 40% alcohol, they will knock your socks off and make you well and truly forget about the eight hours prior. What poo? Where am I?
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Rhian went back to work today, naturally Kobe & i did lots of baby sensory type stuff like visit the hairdressers and go out for lunch with the girls. He also slept for 90% of the day which totally lured me into a false sense of confidence. I picked Charli and Bobby up from daycare and was basically peacocking as i walked out with all 3 of them. ‘I’ve totally got this’ i thought as i mapped out in my head how everything was going to play out when we got home. . . . Well, didn’t i get a metaphorical dick to the face. Not only did Kobe finally wake up since being born but he decided that he wanted to hang off the end of my now finger nipples permanently and would shriek like an injured banshee the minute i cut him off. I moved like i was on speed. Cooking, feeding, washing, picking up, putting down, throwing kids left right and centre. Bobbys latest growth spurt means he basically weighs the same as a small horse & urine just falls out everytime i pick him up. Wind sock tit out, milk leaking onto the floor, im searching for a nappy (for myself) & Kobes is on his 350th breastfeed & 14th shit in the last hour. Charli wants the book with flaps that requires two hands & doesn’t understand why Kobe won’t shut the fk up for story time. With 3 kids and only 2 arms i always knew it was going to be tricky doing bedtime routine on my own & although i got a lil sweaty and a bit wtf-y, it wasn’t that bad! Still got em all down by 7. CAAAAAARN ?????? I’ll find my groove eventually. #yesiwannacollabwithwinecompanies