In its first column for TheLatch—, BARE Therapy dives deep into the nuances of having your first threesome with your partner. From initiating the conversation to finding a third person, here’s everything you need to know to get it going.
Inviting someone else into your bed for a threesome can be at once thrilling and terrifying. As mammals, we’re not meant to have monogamous relationships, however, that’s what we’ve collectively agreed to as humans.
It’s the reason we get so excited watching threesomes in pop-culture (Sex and the City, Vicky Cristina Barcelona, Wild Things, just to name a few…) and often fantasise about having someone else join our marital beds.
However, if you’re serious about wanting a threesome, you need to ask yourself why. Is there something missing from your sex life that you’re hoping to fill with a third? Is there someone you know who comes to mind, and could your desire to have them join you indicate more than sexual attraction? Could this itch be scratched by simply communicating what you want with your partner, rather than looking outside your relationship?
Knowing where you stand on these issues will guide you toward knowing if inviting a third person into your relationship is ultimately a good idea.
So, how do you approach having a threesome?
Getting your partner on board is the first — and likely biggest — step. If you are sure the reason you want a threesome is to add to your (joint) sexual experiences, then sit down and discuss your fantasies with your partner on neutral ground.
Having this conversation in the kitchen instead of the bedroom takes any raw sexual emotion out of the conversation, however, if this is the first time you’re tabling the idea, they may still be taken aback.
Prepare for questions from your partner such as, ‘am I not enough for you?’ and ‘is there someone else you’re attracted to?’. Our monogamous societal structure means these questions are bound to pop into their heads and it is your responsibility to answer these honestly.
Start with why you love having sex with your partner, and be specific. Make the idea about joint pleasure, not just your own, and listen carefully to their concerns. This isn’t a topic you will align on overnight — it may take some time for your partner to go away and think about it. Give them this space.
Finding your third partner
Once you have both consented to have a threesome, the opportunities to find a third to join you in bed are endless. Our recommendation is to look outside of your circle for a third-party stranger you can meet on neutral ground. This eliminates any feelings, concerns of existing attraction, and risk of conflict, so consider downloading an app such as Thrinder to find people looking to enjoy a threesome in your area.
Similar to Tinder, this app works by swiping left and right dependant on your initial attraction to a person who is actively looking to participate in a threesome — and attraction is an important factor when bringing them into your bedroom for a one-off first sexual experience.
If meeting others in person is more your thing, head to a nearby watering hole and sit at the bar. You will have a great vantage point from there and be able to easily start a conversation with people you are both attracted to by asking if you can buy them a drink.
Remember, flirting with someone to join you both in the bedroom is the same as flirting with someone one-on-one. Smile, lightly touch their arm, laugh at their jokes, and take it slow until you’re sure they’re interested. Then, invite them back to your place.
What happens once your third enters — and leaves — the bedroom?
Set boundaries. Aligning with your partner and the third party on what can and cannot be done during the sexual encounter is paramount, as it eliminates any risk of hurt feelings. To avoid this conversation being clinical, have it over a drink at a bar or over coffee at a café before you head to the bedroom (or hotel suite).
Things to consider include: will you kiss the third-party on the mouth or is this too intimate? Will you perform oral sex? Continue the arrangement ongoing or just once? Use toys? Use a condom? (On that last one, yes — always say yes to protecting against STIs).
Next, bring them into the bedroom. Set up some music, and get into it as you would sex with your partner. At first, it may be awkward and it may take you a little while to self-lubricate or get erect, however, try to live in the moment so that you can enjoy the experience.
And don’t put too much pressure on yourselves! There will be moments throughout the threesome where limbs are everywhere, you’re not sure who you’re touching, your bodies are covered in goo (sweat, semen, lubrication) and they make awkward sounds — go with it and soak up every sensation you’re experiencing.
Once all three of you have experienced the threesome to its full extent, it’s time to say goodbye to the third party. If you’d like to enjoy the experience again, take their number. If not, smile, say thank you, debrief with your partner to ensure you both feel loved and safe, and then re-live the fantasy over with your partner next time it’s just the two of you in bed.
BARE Sexology provides the hottest tips for great sex and positive relationships. Get your pleasure at @baretherapy.