In her next column for TheLatch— Sydney ‘mumfluencer’ and Instagram personality, Amy Gerard, details her realisations about her family and life in isolation from COVID-19.
My mum always used to say to me: “If you really want to get to know a person, you have to live with them”.
Rhian and I moved in together after about five months of dating, but we were still going to work five days a week, spending weekends with friends, or family, going out and eating in.
We are great together. He’s the first and only guy I’ve dated (and now married) who is EXACTLY like me. Turns out in my case, opposites do not attract and I needed to marry my male equivalent instead.
So a bit of time in iso should be a walk in the park with my best friend… right? Well, four weeks of isolation with him in the same house with three children under five, however, has brought about a whole new level of ‘getting to know each other’.
I’m suddenly hyper-aware of things that I knew existed but never really paid that much attention to because its not normal to spend EVERY WAKING MOMENT TOGETHER. I’m not just talking about Rhian either. I’m talking about myself and the kids, too.
This is new terrain for us all, but let me share with you just a few of the things that have since been highlighted about the tenants in this household.
★ Do not try to engage in conversation with him between the hours of 6.00am and 7.00am and ONLY after he has had his coffee.
★ His morning turd will be halfway out his poop chute before he has even finished said coffee and he will body slam a kid in a sweaty haste to make it to the toilet. Still he will not go and get checked for IBS.
★ Hearing him have work calls has made me realise he tries to use personnel management techniques on me all the time.
★ He eats lunch at 3.00pm.
★ Does not shut doors. Ever. Fridge, garage, front, back, bathroom, you name it. He leaves every goddamn door open.
★ He’s the “come at me with solutions” guy.
★ Chews like a bulldog eating a Mintie. I only used to deal with it on the weekend, but seven days a week and I’m developing a nervous twitch.
★ Leaves a light on every night when coming to bed. Might well be afraid of the dark.
★ Is incapable of keeping track of small, important items like keys, wallet, ear pods, and phone. If it can be lost, he will lose it.
★ Is always cold and will favour a stuffy room filled with his own carbon dioxide with no windows open to sit in.
★ Can fall asleep within 9 seconds (jealous).
★ Has a ‘talking to a women’ voice and a ‘talking to a man’ voice.
★ His flatulence issues are far worse than I could have ever imagined.
★ He spends 80% of his work on the phone and 100% of it sitting down.
★ Still complains constantly of how tired he is.
★ Can sleep through a zombie apocalypse, a police raid, a stage nine meltdown from her brother and basically anything.
★ CAN slam a door with gusto.
★ Will only eat from Elsa paraphernalia for breakfast, lunch and dinner. Every day. Do not try to serve her on anything else. She will throw down.
★ Has extremely selective hearing.
★ Is far more intelligent than I thought.
★ Has Rhian wrapped around her finger.
★ Will roll her eyes at you like you are a peasant beneath her multiple times throughout the day.
★ Physically unable to watch clips on YouTube without self-combusting when the phone is taken off her.
★ Pee’s in the bath the minute his knob hits hot water.
★ Will drink said pee water. Every night.
★ Happiest when nude.
★ Apparently did not need a dummy for sleep all along.
★ NEEDS CONSTANT ATTENTION.
★ If you can’t hear him for 30 seconds, he is ALWAYS in my bedroom under the bed eating chewing gum.
★ Excels at pushing my buttons.
★ Is very empathetic. Also extremely angry.
★ Will not listen to a word I say.
★ Can not piss in the toilet without getting 90% of it on the floor.
★ Does not respond well to being yelled out.
★ Can only watch TV by standing 1cm away from it.
★ Loves having his face tickled to go to sleep.
★ Completely obsessed with Bobby.
★ Loves to shit at 4.00am.
★ Weighs the same amount as a small horse.
★ Eats more than both the other kids.
★ Likes having his nappy changed while lying on his front (which is borderline impossible).
★ My patience levels can go from ‘Mother Theresa’ to ‘Mike Tyson’ in 40 seconds.
★ I have a two-hour window in the morning where I’m Captian Positive.
★ My PMS is on performance-enhancing drugs and I’m angrier than ever for a week each month.
★ I love wine more than food.
★ I am NOT a team player when it comes to crafts.
★ I can handle Bobby’s rage far better than I can handle Charli’s attitude.
★ I hate everyone by Thursday.
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Ever had one of those days where you knew it was going to be an absolute son of a bitch fuseblower from the minute you woke. Today started for me at 1am (false start), then 2am (??), then 4am (brick to the face) & finally 6 (yeah great). Kobe tricked me into thinking the regression was gone, my boobs stopped spurting like the fountains of bellagio & we had a solid week of sleeping through. I’m not sure if this is some kind of sick joke or he’s growing his 4 canines at once but the last 3 nights have hurt more than a 38cm head coming out my snatch. Fast forward to 9am & Bobby’s hit a PB of 25 tantrums b4 9am & tried to fight me because i made him the exact cereal he asked for, Charli’s beside herself because she can’t fit into her old size 00 tutu & Kobes scream can be translated to “I CAN GIVE YOU PTSD”. For 85% of the day he likes to be held at an upright angle attached like a plunger to your chest or you’ll fkn know about it. A midwife once told me that every now & again you’ll need to place the baby in a safe space & go outside & have a good scream. So this morning i went outside, opened my lungs & screamed FUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK at the top of them. Was it my finest moment. No. Could i have chosen a better word to scream. No. Will the neighbours call the police. Possibly. Do i care. ABSOLUTELY NOT. Because I’m a damn good mum a lot of the time but every now & again they get the better of me. Along comes a day that kicks ur ass & you just gotta ride them out…. & then i went back inside to find the population of China in ant form had entered my house thanks to Charli dripping watermelon, Kobe was screaming orders i couldn’t understand like an enraged dictator & Bobby had emptied out an entire bottle of bubble bath onto the lounge ??. Trying to wear Kobe & clean the couch whilst strawberry fucken bubbles were going everywhere is only laughable now in hindsight but at the time i was speaking in flames ??. So back outside i went for another scream & for good measure i head butted a wall on the way out just in case they were questioning my emotional stability ? #allbefore10am #amy0 #devilchildren1
So yes. We are bound to get on each others’ nerves because, between the three boys that live here, the house always has a faint smell of ass brownies baking away, everyone seems to be allergic to cleaning up after themselves, and Charli started menstruating at four.
But what family doesn’t drive each other bonkers? After all, we are five unique people, living under one roof, 24 hours a day. And although we are pretty weird individuals (some smellier than others) on our own, we are a pretty good family unit together.